Around the World
Why do lots of Americans wear T-shirts? Because they have the right to bare arms.If anyone dislikes Chinese food I have a simple manoeuvre to avoid it: Duck. Spring. Roll.
If the chief executive of Liverpool went into the manufacturing industry he'd be even richer. He'd be a mill Ian Ayre.
Apparently Greggs are in trouble for dumping their sewage in the London Underground. It was the Bakerloo line if you're interested.
Whenever I go in Glastonbury hippy shops the smell makes me so angry. I'm incensed.
Where's the cooked meat centre of the world? Delhi.
Work conversations this morning: speaking Italian and swans.
Me: what do Italian swans wear when they get cold in winter?
Swan Vestas.
Approaching Luxembourg from the south but want to avoid going through? I'd advise going via Belgium. Pass the Duchy on the left hand side.
I've always wondered, is this friendzone people talk about a place where you go to meet American footballers?
Who was the Greek God of spelling mistakes? Typos.
You know the problem with a French meme? They're all the same.
Come to my boulangerie and get some nice hot cross puns.
Which Transformer transforms into a boat and delivers packages swiftly throughout South America? Amazon Prime.
Sweden are planning on putting a barcode on all their ships so that when they come back home they can scan de navy in.
Currently stopping off at Tebay services. Also what people from Yorkshire call a well known auction site.
Fun fact: Kevlar was actually invented by someone called Kevin from Liverpool.
I wonder if any German people have ever come over here and gone on a toll road and been very very disappointed?
I was trying to remember who the Belgium goalkeeper was in the 80s. But I had to give up, it was a right Pfaff on.
No one likes my Belgian keeper gags? You'd have thought I'd get at least one favourite....just out of Courtoisy.
I paid to take pictures in the basement of a nuclear facility to put on ebay. I had seller fees & cellar fees to take Sellafield selfies.
I went to Spain and tried some of their old traditional North African recipes. They were very Moorish.
Social Media, Maths & Technology
I think my New Year's resolution is going to be 1024 x 768I thought it was cold, just checked my Twitter and I didn't realise there were a few drafts.....
I've started a new website investigating people who use a vegetable to make candles burn. It's called Wickyleeks.
I'm brilliant at labelling stuff on graphs. Total legend.
I was talking to Smeagol the other day about spreadsheets. "Did you say delete the row Smeagol?". "Noooo....column, column".
I lost my Playstation and my Xbox yesterday. I couldn't console myself.
Colleague saying he gets film releases synced with the calendar on his phone. Asked if Titanic was on there cos that syncs pretty well.
I can't remember what the unit of measurement is that's like miles but metric kms
I just signed up to an online course about spider pirates. Sorry I mean a webinar.
The photocopier just blew up. That's just bang out of order.
What's a practitioner of logic's favourite meal out? A cheeky nand nors.
"You're so much better than the people I usually date, I'm good at differentiating with respect to ex"
What do you call a mathematician into S&M? A denominatrix.
How do dead people access their electronic birthday wishes? They use their cryptocard.
Looking at some duration data with a category of <3 Months and all I'm thinking is why do you like Months that much?
Maths is actually pretty insensitive towards pessimists. It says the root of something negative is imaginary.
I had to take my PC to the shop after my mum was stuck for things to do and took it to pieces. They told me it was the mother bored.
Mr Dodecahedron is the edgiest on twitter.
Anti-social media:
- Create a profile
- Don't follow anyone
- Say nothing
- If anyone speaks to you ignore them
- If they persist block them
"A lot has happened on Facebook since you last logged in". Yeah but a lot has happened in my local supermarket since I last went there.
You know snapchat? How do people find so much to talk about? Like "oh I got the same card as you" over and over......?
I cleared all my temporary internet files and now my biscuit barrel is empty?
"Do you have an email about the order yet?"
"No"
"Have you checked your junk?"
"Well yeah, but what's that got to do with it?" #LifeChezPyf
The Rest
In 5 years are we all going to have perfect vision?I gained a stone over Christmas. Someone bought me a stone.
Do you think there's ever been a Mr and Mrs Tatious that considered calling their baby Austin?
Saving up for some privet, so I guess I'll need a hedge fund
How can you tell if a giant is genuine or not? Ask him.to write down his catchphrase, if it's "fee fi faux fum" then he's not a real giant.
My Dr used to be a plumber apparently. I went to see him complaining of feeling bloated, after a sharp intake of breath, "Your pumps gone".
Going to see a play tonight, it's three monologues by an orc, a hobbit and a balrog. Tolkien heads.
All my friends are meeting at that long wooden structure stretching out into the sea. I'm not though, I'm not affected by pier pressure.
I'm an expert in parrot Tourettes....should be useful if I ever want a career in Polly tics.
Went out for a jog up the hills and couldn't stay on my feet....never going fell running again.
Woke up this morning to find someone had sewn some headwear onto my coat but only for use when it's dark. I got a nighthood.
I'm never quite sure what the name is for a baby squid......but I have an inkling.
How do you break into a packet of seeds without using your hands? Open sesame.
Thinking of getting a slave to do all my jobs for me.....I'll call it Minian.
Discussion about a man with a prosthetic arm and prosthetic leg and all I'm thinking is did they cost a........WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
I was looking forward to changing my hairstyle but now I'm dreading it.
Skyscrapers are rubbish aren't they? They have so many floors. Probably works better out loud.....
I went out last night, drank a bottle of shampoo, a couple of conditioners and loads of shots of hair dye. I woke up with a combover.
Apparently cars are going to be running on cat urine soon. Someone just needs to perfect a cat-a-litter-c converter.
What happened to the ostrich who converted to Judaism? He was ostracised.
I know a woman who was underpaid for three months then woke up with a wad of cash sticking out of each lobe. She was paid in arrears.
I wasn't expecting to be congratulated after falling to sleep under a cow...but I actually got a pat on the back.
There was going to be a new series about a whole day in the life of a hairdresser but now it's just a one off episode showing the highlights
Where do Transformers go shopping? Optimus Primark.
On a training course at the moment on how to be a cat. Had to start from scratch.
Granularity - when your parents' parents are really really funny.
I know someone who roams around remote locations being generally tedious. He's a wild bore.
I was going to keep a whole lobster for myself but then I decided that would be shellfish.
What does Dr Watson say when he's too warm in bed? No sheet Sherlock.
Which football manager listens to the most rock music? Aitor Kerrangka.
I saw a blind man driving a van earlier. Then he delivered his blinds and carried on with his day.
I really don't like people who've had part of their foot amputated. I'm lack-toes intolerant.
I was watching a bloke hammer metal earlier. It was riveting.
The Secretary of State for Work and Pensions gets very annoyed making flat pack furniture. He has Irritable Dowel Syndrome
Are people who advertise for Greggs great roll models?
Think I'll call one of those "How am I driving?" lines and say "All right I suppose. Bye".
"There's this short sprint race where every 10m you stop and have some of your hair cut off".
"Is that true?"
"No it's balderdash".
I have a gender that I keep secret from everyone else. But I have another one that is even more secret. It's my hiddener gender.
I saw a van with Kestrel Plumbing Services on the side yesterday. That's a pretty niche veterinary discipline that.
I once went out with two women called Stella. It was a Stella a trois.
Somebody said they'd go out with me on my bike for ten quid. I handed my money over and turned up later. I think I was taken for a ride.
I woke up this morning and all my insides had been removed. I was gutted.
I saw two blokes down an alley, one shiftily passing a sandwich, a packet of crisps and a drink to the other for money. It was a meal deal.
If I'm feeling a bit down and isolated I always turn to pasta. When I'm feeling cannelloni that is.
I've come up with an idea for a brand new kind of glasses. I'm working on the specs now.
I want to give someone a decorative pin as a present but I don't know how to brooch it.
I came in this morning to find a colleague covered in thick, soupy liquid all down one side of their face. Apparently someone phoned in sick
Which historical figure was the most agreeable? William the Concurrer.
I've been insulating an aeroplane and now I'm having trouble sleeping. I've got jet lag.
Why does a hippopotamus have such a good memory? Because it studied at the hippocampus.
After leaves fall off trees in autumn, apparently they do grow back. Now that's a re-leaf.
I was asked which I would rather touch, lentils or tomatoes. Lentils definitely, I've got my finger on the pulse.
I love my new allotment. I'm really digging it.
I had a bad dream yesterday about a female horse running around in the dark. Nightmare.
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