2015 in Puns....part 3

So, the final part in the pun review of the year gathers together the best of the rest, loosely grouped into those relating to places, those relating to more geeky things and, well, the rest.  If you've read through all 3 blogs I hope you enjoyed them, it's always fun and challenging coming up with them.  Well, some of them at least.....

Around the World

Why do lots of Americans wear T-shirts? Because they have the right to bare arms.
If anyone dislikes Chinese food I have a simple manoeuvre to avoid it: Duck. Spring. Roll.
If the chief executive of Liverpool went into the manufacturing industry he'd be even richer. He'd be a mill Ian Ayre.
Apparently Greggs are in trouble for dumping their sewage in the London Underground. It was the Bakerloo line if you're interested.
Whenever I go in Glastonbury hippy shops the smell makes me so angry. I'm incensed.
Where's the cooked meat centre of the world? Delhi.
Work conversations this morning: speaking Italian and swans.
Me: what do Italian swans wear when they get cold in winter?
Swan Vestas.
Approaching Luxembourg from the south but want to avoid going through? I'd advise going via Belgium. Pass the Duchy on the left hand side.
I've always wondered, is this friendzone people talk about a place where you go to meet American footballers?
Who was the Greek God of spelling mistakes? Typos.
You know the problem with a French meme? They're all the same.
Come to my boulangerie and get some nice hot cross puns.
Which Transformer transforms into a boat and delivers packages swiftly throughout South America? Amazon Prime.
Sweden are planning on putting a barcode on all their ships so that when they come back home they can scan de navy in.
Currently stopping off at Tebay services. Also what people from Yorkshire call a well known auction site.
Fun fact: Kevlar was actually invented by someone called Kevin from Liverpool.
I wonder if any German people have ever come over here and gone on a toll road and been very very disappointed?
I was trying to remember who the Belgium goalkeeper was in the 80s. But I had to give up, it was a right Pfaff on.
No one likes my Belgian keeper gags? You'd have thought I'd get at least one favourite....just out of Courtoisy.
I paid to take pictures in the basement of a nuclear facility to put on ebay. I had seller fees & cellar fees to take Sellafield selfies.
I went to Spain and tried some of their old traditional North African recipes. They were very Moorish.

Social Media, Maths & Technology

I think my New Year's resolution is going to be 1024 x 768
I thought it was cold, just checked my Twitter and I didn't realise there were a few drafts.....
I've started a new website investigating people who use a vegetable to make candles burn. It's called Wickyleeks.
I'm brilliant at labelling stuff on graphs. Total legend.
I was talking to Smeagol the other day about spreadsheets. "Did you say delete the row Smeagol?". "Noooo....column, column".
I lost my Playstation and my Xbox yesterday. I couldn't console myself.
Colleague saying he gets film releases synced with the calendar on his phone. Asked if Titanic was on there cos that syncs pretty well.
I can't remember what the unit of measurement is that's like miles but metric kms
I just signed up to an online course about spider pirates. Sorry I mean a webinar.
The photocopier just blew up. That's just bang out of order.
What's a practitioner of logic's favourite meal out? A cheeky nand nors.
"You're so much better than the people I usually date, I'm good at differentiating with respect to ex"
What do you call a mathematician into S&M? A denominatrix.
How do dead people access their electronic birthday wishes? They use their cryptocard.
Looking at some duration data with a category of <3 Months and all I'm thinking is why do you like Months that much?
Maths is actually pretty insensitive towards pessimists. It says the root of something negative is imaginary.
I had to take my PC to the shop after my mum was stuck for things to do and took it to pieces. They told me it was the mother bored.
Mr Dodecahedron is the edgiest on twitter.
Anti-social media:
- Create a profile
- Don't follow anyone
- Say nothing
- If anyone speaks to you ignore them
- If they persist block them
"A lot has happened on Facebook since you last logged in". Yeah but a lot has happened in my local supermarket since I last went there.
You know snapchat? How do people find so much to talk about? Like "oh I got the same card as you" over and over......?
I cleared all my temporary internet files and now my biscuit barrel is empty?
"Do you have an email about the order yet?"
"No"
"Have you checked your junk?"
"Well yeah, but what's that got to do with it?" #LifeChezPyf

The Rest

In 5 years are we all going to have perfect vision?
I gained a stone over Christmas. Someone bought me a stone.
Do you think there's ever been a Mr and Mrs Tatious that considered calling their baby Austin?
Saving up for some privet, so I guess I'll need a hedge fund
How can you tell if a giant is genuine or not? Ask him.to write down his catchphrase, if it's "fee fi faux fum" then he's not a real giant.
My Dr used to be a plumber apparently. I went to see him complaining of feeling bloated, after a sharp intake of breath, "Your pumps gone".
Going to see a play tonight, it's three monologues by an orc, a hobbit and a balrog. Tolkien heads.
All my friends are meeting at that long wooden structure stretching out into the sea. I'm not though, I'm not affected by pier pressure.
I'm an expert in parrot Tourettes....should be useful if I ever want a career in Polly tics.
Went out for a jog up the hills and couldn't stay on my feet....never going fell running again.
Woke up this morning to find someone had sewn some headwear onto my coat but only for use when it's dark. I got a nighthood.
I'm never quite sure what the name is for a baby squid......but I have an inkling.
How do you break into a packet of seeds without using your hands? Open sesame.
Thinking of getting a slave to do all my jobs for me.....I'll call it Minian.
Discussion about a man with a prosthetic arm and prosthetic leg and all I'm thinking is did they cost a........WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
I was looking forward to changing my hairstyle but now I'm dreading it.
Skyscrapers are rubbish aren't they? They have so many floors. Probably works better out loud.....
I went out last night, drank a bottle of shampoo, a couple of conditioners and loads of shots of hair dye. I woke up with a combover.
Apparently cars are going to be running on cat urine soon. Someone just needs to perfect a cat-a-litter-c converter.
What happened to the ostrich who converted to Judaism? He was ostracised.
I know a woman who was underpaid for three months then woke up with a wad of cash sticking out of each lobe. She was paid in arrears.
I wasn't expecting to be congratulated after falling to sleep under a cow...but I actually got a pat on the back.
There was going to be a new series about a whole day in the life of a hairdresser but now it's just a one off episode showing the highlights
Where do Transformers go shopping? Optimus Primark.
On a training course at the moment on how to be a cat. Had to start from scratch.
Granularity - when your parents' parents are really really funny.
I know someone who roams around remote locations being generally tedious. He's a wild bore.
I was going to keep a whole lobster for myself but then I decided that would be shellfish.
What does Dr Watson say when he's too warm in bed? No sheet Sherlock.
Which football manager listens to the most rock music? Aitor Kerrangka.
I saw a blind man driving a van earlier. Then he delivered his blinds and carried on with his day.
I really don't like people who've had part of their foot amputated. I'm lack-toes intolerant.
I was watching a bloke hammer metal earlier. It was riveting.
The Secretary of State for Work and Pensions gets very annoyed making flat pack furniture. He has Irritable Dowel Syndrome
Are people who advertise for Greggs great roll models?
Think I'll call one of those "How am I driving?" lines and say "All right I suppose. Bye".
"There's this short sprint race where every 10m you stop and have some of your hair cut off".
"Is that true?"
"No it's balderdash".
I have a gender that I keep secret from everyone else. But I have another one that is even more secret. It's my hiddener gender.
I saw a van with Kestrel Plumbing Services on the side yesterday. That's a pretty niche veterinary discipline that.
I once went out with two women called Stella. It was a Stella a trois.
Somebody said they'd go out with me on my bike for ten quid. I handed my money over and turned up later. I think I was taken for a ride.
I woke up this morning and all my insides had been removed. I was gutted.
I saw two blokes down an alley, one shiftily passing a sandwich, a packet of crisps and a drink to the other for money. It was a meal deal.
If I'm feeling a bit down and isolated I always turn to pasta. When I'm feeling cannelloni that is.
I've come up with an idea for a brand new kind of glasses. I'm working on the specs now.
I want to give someone a decorative pin as a present but I don't know how to brooch it.
I came in this morning to find a colleague covered in thick, soupy liquid all down one side of their face. Apparently someone phoned in sick
Which historical figure was the most agreeable? William the Concurrer.
I've been insulating an aeroplane and now I'm having trouble sleeping. I've got jet lag.
Why does a hippopotamus have such a good memory? Because it studied at the hippocampus.
After leaves fall off trees in autumn, apparently they do grow back. Now that's a re-leaf.
I was asked which I would rather touch, lentils or tomatoes. Lentils definitely, I've got my finger on the pulse.
I love my new allotment. I'm really digging it.
I had a bad dream yesterday about a female horse running around in the dark. Nightmare.

2015 in Puns....part 2

While compiling this look back at a year in puns I thought I couldn't just have a massive long list, I have to come up with some really tenuous links to tie everything together.  So part 1 was all the hashtags and topical stories and today concentrates on entertainment - music and TV/Film.

Music, TV and puns take up a lot of my Twitter account, probably all of it if I'm honest.  But it's all done carefully by neutering a servant of Mordor.  Sorry, I mean it's all carefully orc-castrated.......oh, just read them.

Music

Green Day became so big that at one point they had a backup band on standby in case they ever disappeared up their own bottoms. Bidet.
I bought a hyperactive, colour changing lizard the other day but it didn't really work out. Now I've got a calmer chameleon.
I'm going to start studying how to breathe oxygen properly. The course will be held at the O2 Academy.
Who are the two most hook-based bands of all time? New Order and Joy Division.
Swedish prog-death band teach children while finding entrances to caves - Opeth Sesame
Faith No More attempted to play their biggest hit but they all suddenly forgot how it went. Epic fail.
I had 7 huge creases on my shirt today. I called Synyster Gates up and he came and sorted them out for me. Legend.
If someone sounds a lot like Agnostic Front would people describe them as AF af?
I managed to secure the perfect man to train people how to sing St Elmo's Fire. Parr for the course I suppose.
Is there a Spanish tribute version of Cerys Matthews' band called Catalonia?
Eddie Vedder and Serj Tankian got together for a cup of coffee earlier. How did they take it? Black, one Sugar.
Apparently there's this thing that tests out replacement metal frontmen that are in and out....it's called the Bush Tucker trials.
Little known fact, Black Sabbath's Paranoid was inspired by Ozzy's then girlfriend not assisting him with the mental health charity bag.
What does Jay Z call his missus when she gets tired? Be-yawn-ce.
I fractured a bone in my forearm and after being under the care of an ex-member of Buggles I'm now fine. Physio cured the radius scar.
Yorkshire Turisas tribute band - HOLMFIRTH AND BEYOOOOOND
Apparently it's Michael Jackson's birthday today. My old boss came over with a joke about him. I told him it was Bad and he should Beat It.

Apparently there's going to be a collaboration between Madder Rose and Super Furry Animals. It'll be called Three Billy Cote's Gruff.

I wonder what brand of laptop Adele has?

TV & Film

Colleague: "I watched half of Elf". Me: Is that 5 and a half? General confusion. Just a little German joke there.
Apparently some Icelandic people have destroyed the pub on Eastenders. They're from Reykjavik.
I actually much prefer Belgian soaps to British ones, like Ostenders
What is an ackman and how does it become huge?
Which celebrity has the ability to predict the future? Bruce Foresight.
I bought a Star Wars satnav yesterday in the shape of a droid. I call it R2 detour.
Going to make a film about Neighbourhood Watch people. It will be shown on Netflix.
There's a new film set in a shoe shop.....starring Martin Freeman, Tom Hardy and Bruce Willis.
If my name was Fred and I was an optician I'd call my shop Rod, Cone and Freddy.
Found out today that there is a superhero called Barry Allen. Someone asked if he did Cillit Bang adverts, turns out he's Flash.
If you have a grubby forehead just grow a fringe. Bangs....and the dirt is gone.
I made myself a full size replica Star Trek ship but managed to fall out. My replica crew helped me out though. Hoist by my own Picard.
There's a new series on this weekend trying to find the longest fingernails, Britain's Got Talons.
Apparently there's a new film out about Neighbourhood Watch people in Iceland. It's called Netflix and Chill.
New marketing idea, collaboration between Milky Bar, Game of Thrones and a crisp manufacturer. White Walkers.
Why did the black hole pull in and destroy Luke Skywalker and his ship as he tried to fly past?
Because the force was strong.
Apparently there's a new Airfix kit created by Hillman, you get a few of the same cars to make. It's called Avengers Assemble.
What does a Welshman eating cereal have in common with an American actress? Rhys with a spoon.
There's a new series starting soon where a lot of people congregate in a cove with a tickly throat. It's called The Great British Bay Cough.
There's a new section of a popular department store which sells artwork and Alien figurines etc. It's the Giger counter.
Amazon has just recommended the Complete Bergerac Collection. Probably a neighbour of theirs.
What application does Bugs Bunny use the most on his phone? WhatsApp doc.

2015 in Puns....part 1

So pretty much everyone that knows me on Twitter knows that I post a lot of jokes and puns.  Almost everything I post comes from my own head, it doesn't mean that multiple people haven't already thought of the same thing over whatever period of time, but they're all independently created.

Usually they come from hearing a word said out loud or reading a word, then forming a punchline and working backwards.  I don't know why, it's obviously some kind of illness.  Originating in my puncreas.  There I go again.....

So this blog is part 1 of my favourite things that I've tweeted during 2015.  This one truly does cover the year, being made up of hashtags that I felt an overwhelming compulsion to join in with or just major events that might make less sense out of context.  Enjoy!  Well, not enjoy exactly, you know what I mean.....

# Hashtags #

#FF Robinson Crusoe
#AskRussellCrowe What makes the loudest noise, a raven walking over dry leaves or a jackdaw eating a packet of crisps?
I thought someone had thrown away all my Beanos and Dandys.....but no, I found them #ComicRelief
I killed a bloke, liquidised him, then mixed it with fruit to make a refreshing drink. Think I'll have it today #mcm
#ThingsJesusNeverSaid Ow. Ow. Owwww! Jesus Christ!
#ThingsJesusNeverSaid So I've thought of these things called Creme Eggs right? We need a cunning marketing ploy.....
#ThingsJesusNeverSaid It's actually pronounced "Hay-zoose".
#ThingsJesusNeverSaid Oh my God, wouldn't it be hilarious if people latched onto this and were still talking about it in 10 years?
#ThingsJesusNeverSaid I can't even.....jfc smh kms rn tbh
#ThingsJesusNeverSaid I quite fancy a holiday in Turin. I hear it's shrouded in mystery.
#IOnceDatedSomeoneWho had been in a peat bog for 3000 years
#MyTombstoneIn5Words I'm sure I used to be good at maths?
#IOnceHadABossWho was called Hugo. No I didn't.
#ThankYouEd For all those comments in brackets you insert into magazine articles etc.
A man was hit over the head today with the cardboard centre from a box of tin foil #tubestrike
#TheAshes are something you have to work hard to win. You really have to urn it.
#WeCantBeFriendsIf One of us doesn't like the other one.
#AngerABook Your cover is tacky, your spine is falling apart and your pages are all creased, I bet your mother was a twig.
I'm looking at the trend of #thevoiceau and pronouncing it as in the French for bird.
Who has the dirtiest carpet in tennis? No-vac Djokovic #WimbledonFinal
#GrowingUpMetal I had to be careful when walking near strong magnets.
#GrowingUpWithGlasses because I liked to see what I was drinking.
#DisappointASong You're rubbish.
A man was hit over the head with the inflatable innards of a bike tyre #tubestrike 
#ImNotReallySelfishBut I do tend to Clam up in crowds of people.
#ImNotReallySelfishBut I have watched a documentary about the Krayfish twins.
Apparently Chelsea are withdrawing the use of their player stats. There's now a hole in the Prozone layer #CFC
#MyTypeIn4Words Anything but Comic Sans
#wcw Chelsea Ladies 6 Sheffield Wednesday 0
#YouKnowSummersOverWhen It's Autumn
#TerribleGiftsForA4YearOld A brand new A3 pad of paper. It'll probably get jealous on account of size and being a year younger.
Has anyone figured out where all this happened anyway? My money's on Leicester #piggate
#OneLetterOffSongs s To You by Finch
#OneLetterOffSongs From America by the Proclaimers
#SaveThePlanetIn4Words File. Save As. Click.
#Facebookdown Or a request for Templeton Peck to put on a gig for Phil Anselmo and Co. What next #MurdochBookEyeHateGod ?
#RedneckIn3Words Need suntan lotion
#PhraseThatMakesYourHeartSink "I'm going to cut out your organs, place them in water and weigh them down".
#WorldToiletDay ? Yeah yeah so when's World Sink Day? World Bath Day? World Bidet?

Topical

Apparently the existing members of Blink 182 are continuing, but with only one frontman they've decided to be Wink 182
Are sections of hospitals that use a certain water filter that interesting tonight? What's all this about Brita wards?
I bet Madonna is absolutely furious with the costume department, especially the material girl.
I heard that all West Brom players are fans of Feeder. But it turns out it's Just Ideye.
It seems my opinion of the latest Batman actor changes over time, I think I may have Seasonal Afflecktive Disorder.
I saw a gorilla this morning lay down on his side stretched out at the top of a hill & then propel himself down. Not really, ape-roll fool.
Interesting fact: Mumford and Sons were originally formed by Harrison Ford, his mother and his brothers, a few lineup changes later et voila
Not to labour a point but I'd make a conservative estimate that a liberal number of MPs in waiting will be green with envy while you kip.
So that pastor who said he would set himself on fire isn't now going to do it.....I mean everyone knows you boil pastor right?
Was EL James just plain old James before moving to Spain?
Apparently there's going to be a Bloodstock just for birds. It's called Feather BOA.
There's a lot of clash talk this morning, everyone deciding whether they should stay or they should go I suppose.
Aston Villa have problems with the supply line to their forwards. Despite Jordan saying "I'm free" there's not enough of Ayew Being Served.
Monetary Worth: 95
Racism Rating: 98
Hair Power: 5
....sorry, just playing Top Trumps.
I was talking to a Labour leadership candidate today & he was very abrupt with me. I told him "don't be curt Corbyn". He was all apologies.
Anyone complaining that Metallica has frozen on BBC4 should Let It Go.
If as expected Kurt Corbyn becomes the Big Cheese today, will he Milk It?
But I suppose if Kurt Corbyn doesn't win.....Nevermind......
Kurt Corbyn was wondering what to wear to his first Prime Minister's questions but he was advised "just Come As You Are".
Going to write a pro-smoking song with the line "Light me up when Stoptober ends".
Frantic-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tocktober
I can understand the fuss with plastic bags, they're all full of disease. Most don't show any outward symptoms but they're all carriers.
Someone told me I have to keep mentioning the Back to the Future car today or I'll be arrested. "It's da law Ian" they told me.
That one could have been better but I came up with it on the McFly.
All this stuff about the WHO saying bacon and meat can give you cancer....what qualifications does Roger Daltrey have to make these claims?
I wonder how many arguments will be caused by a game release this week....people wondering "what did we have to fall out for?"
You know Fallout 4 has just been released? Surely someone should recommend some kind of relationship counselling, it can't happen a 5th time