Of Nice And Men

I wrote a blog back in 2015 entitled Positivity.  As the title suggests, it looked at the old 'glass half full/glass half empty' conundrum and the importance of being kind, being nice.  How a human being can hear many different positive things during an average day but maybe only one negative thing and more often than not it will be the negative comment they'll remember.  At that point in time it seemed as though I was just writing it in terms of finding a way to feel good about yourself, about your own life, and allowing others to do the same, topics I believe are very important.  That even if being positive and being nice isn't seen as cool, do it anyway.

In the current climate it feels to me like that blog would now have to take a completely different approach.  I'm quite fond of using football analogies to link to real life and in this situation it's like where a manager says of his losing team "we need to get back to basics and start doing the simple things right".  That's where it seems like we are now, especially in the virtual world of social media where real life events are scrutinised and blown up into huge events as they happen.

So in particular after the fallout from the Brexit vote in the UK and the election of Donald Trump as US president, it certainly seems like a lot of characters have come out of the woodwork to make positivity and "being nice" less about not being cool and more about being weak, just being plain wrong.  It seems like it's the in thing to fight people who want to do the right thing and phrased like that the whole concept seems quite bizarre.

We now seem to live in a world where people who want to discriminate against specific groups of people tell those who don't want to discriminate against anyone that they're being intolerant, that they're ignoring or attacking anyone who has a different opinion to them, that they have no empathy with anyone who thinks differently.

Rewind time a little and think back to being at school.  There were children who misbehaved and called other children names, there were those who bullied others and of course if they were found out they were punished.  They were the ones discriminating against other children, more than likely through some kind of physical characteristic, trying to set them apart, trying to mark them out as different and exert some kind of power over them.  This is my class, my school and you come into it on my terms.

Do we stop and allow those children to behave that way?  Do we respect the fact that they just have a different opinion over how to act and let them get on with it?  By disciplining them are we disrespecting their right to think and behave differently to well behaved children?  Are we lacking empathy, should we take the time to understand why they need to, say, pick on the fat kid?  The answer to all of those questions is a blindingly obvious "no".  What we do is we punish them and set an example to all the other children that behaving like that is not acceptable.  And hopefully they'll learn from it and not grow up to be an adult who makes the same mistakes.

- Nice Guys Finish Last -

But there is a certain allure to being the bad guy.  The school bullies usually ended up having hangers-on who would look up to them and do some of their "work" for them.  It's always been cool to like the bad boy rock stars, to see them cigarette in one hand, drink in another, attractive woman on their arm climbing into a limousine on the way to a flash hotel to throw a TV out of the window.

Today's bad guy is a bit different.  Bad-guy-in-chief is one of the most powerful men in the world, if not THE most powerful, so if he says it's ok it must be ok right?  We're talking about a businessman who is used to getting everything his own way and if he doesn't then he'll throw away the parts that are stopping him and replace them with new ones.  For him being wrong is not an option, so he'll try and create a version of reality around himself where that never happens.  Come to think of it, rather reminiscent of that school bully who grew up and didn't end up learning from his mistakes.

So if he makes comments that disrespect women, then in a lot of eyes it becomes ok to disrespect women.  Harmless locker room talk.  If he wants to launch an attack on immigrants arriving in America through Mexico, then it's now ok to have a problem with those people.  If he wants to launch a similar attack on Muslims and try and prevent them coming into the country, then it's now ok to have a problem with Muslims too.  If he wants to launch an attack on black American footballers for kneeling during the national anthem then his supporters will also back him.  As he switches targets at the drop of a hat, those ideas will stick and take root with people.

Now in some quarters they'll have already been with him without the power of suggestion, there are still plenty of pockets in America where views like that are commonplace.  To see the president echoing those views makes them feel vindicated.  After keeping quiet for so long, it's now ok to come out in public and say that immigrants are a plague, Muslims only want to blow up good patriotic Americans, black people should go back to being second class citizens at best.  Before anyone flies through the roof, yes I know the president hasn't actually said any of that as I did there, but if they are your views already then you can take what he HAS said and extrapolate as vindication of your opinions.  He's "one of us".  And so far he hasn't spoken out against any of those ideas with anything remotely approaching sincerity to prove that he isn't.

- Recalibrate the Zero? -

As our TV screens and the media increasingly feed us presidential updates and the like, the extreme views then become a little more common, what was extreme is now a little less so, what was deeply unpleasant becomes "just" unpleasant, what was unpleasant becomes almost acceptable.  And this is a really important point, because this is how "the norm" becomes skewed - when you have the president of the USA making things that were previously socially unacceptable sound acceptable and regular airtime is being given to UK politicians to also communicate these views.  The fact that they have a regular platform is bad enough, what is even more scary is that it hasn't really taken much to unlock this type of feeling in a lot of people.  The school bullies are back recruiting their henchmen and that allure is working again.

This shift in what is seen as acceptable and what isn't is pushed down through the foot soldiers, you see them hiding on the internet behind their Youtube channel or spouting forth from the safety of their newspaper column, preaching hate and encouraging division.  If you're unclear as to who I mean then the higher profile culprits are the likes of Paul Joseph Watson, Katie Hopkins, Tommy Robinson.  All have an agenda to push and the methods involved vary from the blunt, discriminatory scaremongering to the more manipulative attempts at discrediting people who oppose them to somehow imply that then makes their way of thinking right.  "Aha, I have found an apple with a maggot inside, therefore that proves my point that oranges are best!".  Sadly it seems to work on some people.  The chance to get one over on anyone who simply just wants people to be fair seems to be too much to resist, like it's a bad thing.

They'll find a real life point of reference to latch onto to try and pull you in, immigration being a particular favourite because, again, sadly it does actually seem to work pretty well for them.  Taking a lower-level suspicion that people may have and feeding it until it grows and grows into something to be afraid of.  Maybe Yoda was onto something with "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering".  It might seem an odd quote to insert here, but joking I am not.  Although I must admit it's strange that even when the most legitimate ends of the immigration argument are rolled out to say that we simply can't cope with the numbers, there's an underlying element which still manages to focus on one specific group of people, which to me points towards other, less number-based agendas.

To illustrate that, if you do want to reduce numbers then who do you prevent from entering the country?  I'm guessing the first word on a lot of people's lips would end up being Muslims.  Primarily because they've read headlines in the likes of The Sun, The Daily Mail and The Express or heard people like Nigel Farage or Donald Trump telling us that we should be afraid.  Stoking the flames so we think they're all out to get us, whether that be taking our jobs, replacing our culture, raping our women or bombing us all to oblivion.  If you trust those sources then you'll probably believe it, completely fall for the attempts at division that play right into the hands of the small number of people who do actually want to cause panic and harm.  Because they also need someone to fight against and if you're that person you're handing it to them on a plate.  While the scare tactics are milling around in their heads it becomes increasingly unlikely that any thought would be given to the human stories behind such a generalised group of people.  Or the fact that they're unfairly discriminating against people for no other reason than the religion they were brought up with.  Is it the allure of the school bully again, dragged along with the momentum of the chase, not stopping to think what's fair until the cold light of day when you're sat outside the headmaster's office?  In fact, not stopping to think at all, going purely on trust or, dare I say it, faith.

- Empathy -

If there was time to stop and think, what then?  I'm curious as to someone's reaction if they were to see in-depth footage of the plight of a Syrian refugee.  Are they sympathetic at all?  If they are sympathetic is it with an additional shrug of "sad, but not our problem"?  What if everyone in every country had a similar, nationalist, "stick to their own" attitude and they were no one's problem, do you just leave people to die if their own country has abandoned them?  I imagine that most people would be outraged if they saw a video online of cruelty towards animals.  You'd feel pity for the animal, maybe want something to happen to the perpetrator, whether it's justice or even actual harm in return for theirs, maybe you'd want to express an interest in taking that animal in yourself.

If you see that video you don't necessarily know which country the animal lives in and it's a sad story so it really shouldn't make a difference.  Yet it does with humans apparently.  Do you watch the video of animal cruelty and think, well the animal lives in [insert country here] so there isn't much I can do about it.  Or that it's a dog of a certain breed so I have much less sympathy than I would for dogs that are native breeds to my country.  I've never heard that expressed before, yet it happens with humans.

I wonder what would happen if you actually sat someone down with an individual refugee or a family for them to explain their story, how they got to our country.  If you're not moved by that then fair enough, there's probably no hope for you, you're officially emotionless.  But I imagine many people would be, so could they then take any sympathy for their plight and scale it up to everyone in a similar situation?  Because that's what everyone else is doing when they defend them - thinking of the human side of the story.

Some people may be thinking at this point, "so if we're not allowed to discriminate then how on earth can you stop people coming into the country, you do-gooders will want to let everyone in because of some sob story or other".  Well no, actually.  Being pragmatic about an issue such as this, there obviously has to be a limit somewhere and if I'm honest I'm glad that I don't have to come up with a set of rules which decides who takes precedence.  But it is possible to come up with some kind of fair set of rules which doesn't just involve a blanket ban on a specific set of people from a certain background.  Take people convicted of a crime for example.  Protecting the public is obviously of great importance, regardless of whether you're talking about immigration or not.  Even with something like that there would be plenty of debates around which crimes did they commit, how long ago did it occur etc. etc. before you could find something that works, but it's certainly a much fairer starting point with a more sound reasoning behind it than a person's religion.  Better to focus on finding people who may actually pose a risk as opposed to assuming people will pose a risk because of their religion.

- All About Politics? -

If you've read this so far and wondered if talking about Donald Trump, Brexit and immigration etc. means this is all about politics then it absolutely isn't.  People say to me "how come you're interested in politics all of a sudden?".  I'm no more interested in it than I was before, which wasn't very much at all, however what has caught my interest is that it's politicians who are now the chief "enablers" of the way of thinking that I've been describing.  The war on being nice, if you like.

Politics is the vehicle which is allowing this to spread across the UK, across the USA and wherever in the world there is a champion for divisive views.  A win against the odds just reinforces the apparent validity of the views, apparently it's the will of the people.  People who know they are fighting against something and seemingly enjoying themselves as they do, but not realising that they're actually fighting against common decency.  They're being told that they're threatened so that they have something to be scared of.  If you have something to be scared of then you have something to fight against.  And if you have something to fight against you have something to hate.  Wind them up and watch them go.

It's impossible to deny that there are bad people in the world, but you don't live your life in fear of them all.  I want people to be nice to each other, I want people to look after the planet and everything that lives on it.  Not only are people fighting against fellow human beings, they're pushing ideas that will harm the planet they live on going forwards too, this time for no other reason than money.  And if you're that person pushing your own selfish reasons and prejudices and spreading it to others then yes, I have a problem with that.

A quick disclaimer: when I'm talking about Trump and Brexit being a driving force behind all of this, it's often assumed that means that everyone who voted for them behaves in the ways I've been describing.  If you were already at the extreme end of the scale, the Britain First, KKK-type of crowd, then it's pretty much guaranteed that you voted for those two options so I'm definitely talking about you.  They're the real school bullies, the ones with a wealth of experience in that area.  Then there are the ones who believed in the lies that they were fed, the scaremongering, the ones that chose to close their eyes to the unpleasantness behind the candidates pushing their ideas because they believed in their "solution" to the problems they were hyping up.  So I'm also talking about those people, provided they haven't subsequently seen the aftermath, the monster they helped to create, and realised that it wasn't quite what they thought it was going to be.

- Open-minded and Narrow-minded, not Left and Right -

Looking back at what I've written so far, I think I'm being too logical in my arguments here and logic seems to be one thing that has been thrown out of the window of late when it comes to being nice.  Acts of kindness are ridiculed as "virtue signalling", wanting to be fair and have everyone as equals is "leftie" nonsense.  I really dislike the terms left, right, centre etc, they're completely irrelevant as we're all individuals and can have separate opinions that don't always conform to someone's fixed idea of those labels.  True, it's quite likely that certain opinions go hand in hand with others simply in terms of being open-minded or narrow-minded and to be honest I think those terms describe the camps a lot better than left and right.

This can often be demonstrated when the more vocal sections of the narrow-minded people seek to discredit the open-minded people to persuade others that their way is right.  Wherever there is a good and noble cause, that cause is attacked because a small number of people use violence in connection with it, or a small minority take a more distorted view, twisting the original intentions out of shape and ending up on the more narrow-minded end of the spectrum despite being branded "the left".

So anti-fascism as an ideology is suddenly wrong because violence is used in protests, feminism as an ideology is wrong because groups of over-zealous teenagers think that it means that all men should be destroyed and women should rule the world.  Forget the fact that both ideologies stand for equality and that the vast majority of people support those causes for that very reason.  If you try and belittle that then that implies you're against those causes, that you would like to encourage division.  There's absolutely no other way of interpreting it, if you consistently attack "the left" then you're not just attacking the narrow-minded people I mentioned that are associated with that label, you're attacking all of the open-minded people too.  Why?  You can be against a crime committed in the name of a cause or disagree with a point made in its name and still support the cause in the knowledge that they weren't representative of it or faithful to its principles.  The only conclusion is that the intention is to divide.

There is one method of attack that is preventable however.  The words "racist", "fascist", "Nazi" etc. are thrown around too much and sometimes for too little an offence.  Rather like swearing, if you use the words all the time you leave yourself nowhere to go when you need to describe something more extreme or exclaim in a more forceful way.  So it leads to actual racists throwing around examples of someone using the words for relatively minor offences to try and wriggle out of the accusation themselves.  Being fair to people does also mean not accusing someone of being something they're not, save it for those deserving cases.

- FAKE NEWS! - 

Talking of hyperbole, it's now commonplace for our narrow-minded friends to bypass the powers of debate altogether by simply crying "FAKE NEWS!", and I think we all know who this comes from.  Take any well reasoned point and confidently say it's a total lie and if people trust you they'll believe you, with the added bonus of turning you into a martyr in the process.  The logic goes that you must be even more right if so many people are trying to prove you wrong.  It's very difficult to reason with a mixture of calculated denial and ignorance.  It's like trying to explain something you know is right to someone with their hands over their ears shouting "LA LA LA LA LA LA NOT LISTENING".  And if anyone loses their temper while trying to reason against that brick wall, guess what?  Apparently you're back to that accusation of being the intolerant one.

As mentioned above, there's also the alternative method of trying to discredit someone by challenging their use of words such as "racist" etc. to make them sound unreasonable or hysterical.  There's a certain irony to people with views that many would consider offensive feigning offence if either they or their hero are being called out on those views.  A role reversal of another favoured taunt of "snowflake", which in itself is meant to belittle someone's apparent fragility.   This also illustrates the staggering inconsistency that often appears, if you're against an idea, an act, a state of mind etc. then it doesn't matter who that relates to, you're either against it or you aren't.  The fact that you can always find an equal and opposite tweet from Donald Trump's past relating to his latest tirade never ceases to amuse in terms of the laughable lack of integrity.

The more manipulative might attempt to push buttons until they can provoke a reaction which isn't fitting with someone who wants to be fair and nice, as if that then nullifies any argument being made.  When people find certain views so abhorrent, it's hardly surprising that they get emotional when confronted with those views directly.  Reading this paragraph I imagine I'd be challenged on being paranoid, a predictable attempt to discredit anyone who's onto the mind games.  And the price of trying to be nice.

In fact, despite all the points that I've tried to make respectfully in this admittedly rather lengthy blog, all it would take would be one quick dismissal of "leftie rubbish" or something similar to convince some people it was wrong.  No need to actually formulate a decent argument to argue for their point of view, they're right and I'm wrong, simple as that.

- Virtue Signalling -

When using these tactics, a special place is reserved for celebrities, particularly if they're successful with lots of money, and presumably lots of followers on social media.  They're in danger of reaching out to a lot of people and ruining the party by making actual points and having real arguments and being, like, tolerant and understanding and stuff.  How they dare think that they can have this kind of outlook when they now have money and huge houses is apparently too much for some people.  So their opinions must therefore be fake, they must be just saying it so people *think* they're nice, I mean who would seriously think like that once they've got into their position?  Even if someone's sincerity was called into question (and the vast majority of the time it shouldn't be), what is actually wrong with spreading some positivity to thousands of people?  Being positive is good, being nice is good, encouraging others to act  the same way is good.  Ridiculing people for trying to do that just seems absolutely preposterous to me, what's the point?  What is there to gain, other than encouraging others to be negative, to be cynical, to be suspicious.

There seems to be some kind of assumption that gaining wealth through, say, writing books or playing football means you have no right to think like a decent human being, money sucks away sincerity and any right to an opinion apparently.  Unless you're president I suppose, where your opinion is always the gospel truth, however badly you communicate it.

Communication actually plays an important part in some of this too.  In an exchange between someone who's narrow-minded and someone who's open-minded, often the points can be made with such confidence by the narrow-minded person, with such a belief that they're right that the person on the receiving end may start to think........am I wrong?  By virtue of being an open-minded kind of person who doesn't want to encourage any kind of discrimination, it would suggest that they're more likely to consider these questions, to be more introspective and actually care if someone accuses them of anything untoward.  Seeds have been sown from someone with such confidence that they're right that the person with the more noble thoughts is now starting to doubt themselves.  They absolutely depend upon this reaction.

And you know what?  Don't doubt.  The only intolerance that is acceptable is of intolerance itself.  The only time I'm happy to have a lack of empathy with someone is when that person has little empathy themselves.  The only time that I will refuse to listen to your opinion is when it's an opinion I've already heard and have rejected outright because it is the polar opposite of what I believe.  That's not intolerant, that's not divisive, that's not lacking empathy, it's simply dismissing an ideology that is all of those things.  And if I didn't do those things I'd be a hypocrite.

If you communicate division, if you communicate intolerance, if you communicate hate, then don't be surprised if you receive the same feelings and emotions back.  It makes perfect sense because none of those things are acceptable and should be rightly derided.  Think back to the school idea and imagine some of the points outlined earlier coming out of the mouth of a child:

• "I think those kids should go in for dinner last because of their religion".
• "She's crying because I told her that her family need to go back where they came from, she should respect the fact that others have a different opinion and stop whining".
• "Sorry Sir, I've seen your big house and new sports car so your opinion is invalid.  I don't believe he got an A, you're just saying that to look like a generous teacher".
• "Everyone should get their turn to go in first for dinner?!?!  Don't be ridiculous, the weak, well-behaved kids are trying to force their agenda on us yet again".
• And lastly, how about a child who cries "FAKE NEWS" at a teacher as they're taught in class but can offer nothing further in support?

It doesn't make for good reading does it.......?  It's not about left and right.  It's about wrong and right.

There was a tweet that did the rounds recently asking why we should deny someone the right to peacefully advocate genocide.  And on further examination it wasn't even coming from someone that believed that genocide was a good thing, it was a point about free speech.  If you seriously think that free speech should allow for things like that then there's something very very wrong.  Free speech is not a licence to spread hate and where that happens, whether in a real life setting or online, there should be consequences.

The person that is next to you is no better or worse than you.  The person next to them is no better or worse than them.  And so on, until you stretch that around the world.  A man is no better than a woman, a white person is no better than anyone of a different colour, one person's god is no better than another, which in turn is no better than not believing in a god, a heterosexual is no better than a homosexual.  Take it down to an individual level and yes, of course, you can formulate specific opinions about a specific person but sorry, to question any of the above statements or something similar is a path to suspicion, to division, to hate.  It's that simple.  Be nice.

I've never......

I'll admit this blog has sat in draft as a simple list for months.  It started out life as an idea based on people's shock at some of the things I've never done, whether that's in real life, say at work, or online.  I usually find any incredulous reactions pretty funny, like people think I'm somehow abnormal.  Well if you're reading this you probably know me fairly well, so you know I am a bit.  Oh yeah, "individual", that's the word isn't it.

Obviously if I wanted to do any of these things I would, or at least take actions to allow them to happen.  It's funny how some of them are associated with reaching a certain age to be able to do them (legally), a psychologist may have a field day with that saying that I wish to remain in a youthful state.  Which is fine, because I am actually 12.

So what are these stupid things I'm banging on about?  Ok, take it away.

I've never......

Eaten pasta - pasta isn't food, it's for gluing on card in nursery, with plenty of glitter obviously.
Eaten a pizza - possibly the one that gets the most derision, not curious or tempted in the slightest
Been in a McDonalds - I've been in plenty of Burger Kings but never McDonalds, don't know why but it's kind of a thing now so I have to maintain the run.
Swallowed a tablet - last time I tried it was when I had an infection in a tooth. Couldn't do it, so ended up chewing them with a jaffa cake (not sure they're as effective in that form.....).  I sometimes wonder if the lack of medication I've taken in my life is linked to the fact that I'm rarely ill i.e. my immune system has learned to be stronger as a result.
Driven a vehicle - fairly straightforward this one, I don't have any kind of licence, never been that interested.  I was brought up in a family without a car for the most part so never been used to one.
Used anything on my hair other than shampoo etc. - that's right, no dye, no gel, no spray, nothing apart from stuff that keeps it clean (ish).
Had a tattoo - I wouldn't necessarily be averse to having one, just never thought of anything I'd want on me for life that badly.
Had a piercing - similar to the above, I remember when I was about 14/15 I really wanted to get an eyebrow ring like Mike Patton and Roddy Bottum. I didn't.
Been outside the UK - Scotland, yes. Wales, yes. Isle of Wight, yes. That's it though, never had a passport, no immediate plans to.
Been drunk - I think I already covered this one here.
Smoked anything of any kind - I can understand most things, smoking isn't one of them. People are free to do what they want but I have no interest in stinking, coughing, staining my fingers and teeth or getting lung cancer.  And paying vastly over the odds for the privilege. Never been the tiniest bit curious.
Taken an illegal drug - I guess that's mostly covered by the alcohol post too.  I quite like my brain as it is, I have no desire to risk it and no desire to lose control even for one second.  In fact I don't think I've ever seen an illegal drug knowingly, apart from the odd joint but even then someone would have to point out to me that it wasn't tobacco.
Been in a pub in the town where I've lived all my life - I've been in a fair few in Middlesbrough, the nearest big town, and a few in other locations but never in my home town of Guisborough.  It's another one of those where I just have to keep up the record now.
Worn or owned a suit - I've worked in an office for 17 years now but never worn a suit.....a shirt and tie will do.  And trousers obviously.  I'd look an idiot anyway.  Well, more of an idiot.....

So there you have it, it's not meant to be some kind of "hey, look at me I'm cool for not having done this stuff" list.  Mainly because I don't think any of them would fit into any common concept of what's "cool" anyway.  It's stuff I haven't done.....which one will I break first?

Making......Catsitting Great Again?!

There's been a hell of a lot of talk in 2016 about the people finally talking, the people finally standing up for themselves and claiming a victory while everyone else sits and whines like sore losers.  Those on the winning side like to gloat and tell the others to just suck it up and accept that more people picked their option.  Those on the losing side like to point out that they can speak up if they want to and why should they just sit by while people of dubious character control their destinies.

I've written a previous blog about my general disinterest in politics and I'll repeat that to anyone who asks.  So why are you writing a blog about it?  Why do you tweet about it?  Well firstly I like the jokes that come out of it, 2016 has created endless material in that respect.  But on a more serious note, what does make me sit up and take notice is the emergence of people in a position of authority who are starting to tap into people's often repressed emotions for their own ends.

The words "often repressed" are significant because that seems to be the overriding factor when people talk about why figures such as Nigel Farage and Donald Trump are gaining favour.  They talk about things that people are afraid to talk about.  Afraid to talk about in polite society without being castigated for being xenophobic.  Being "Islamophobic".  Being racist.

How many family members, friends, work colleagues etc. do you know that express some form of the "they should all go back to where they came from" idea, however lighthearted that may seem to be?  Probably quite a lot actually and the numbers will likely increase with the age of the person.  Chuck in a heap of disillusioned workers seeing their jobs going to foreigners, add in their families and friends and neighbours, stoke up those flames and stand well back.  The results of 2016 weren't a surprise in that respect, because those negative emotions were opportunistically fed pretty cynically.  Yet those results were a surprise to a lot of people who were looking at the bigger picture, to me for one overriding reason.  Let's go for an analogy.

Imagine you're going on holiday and you have a pet cat, so you need someone to look after your cat for the week.  That is the single problem you wish to have a solution for.  You know someone who you consider is absolutely brilliant at looking after cats, does exactly what you want in the way that you would do it, you share exactly the same view of how a cat should be looked after.  The catch is that they don't really come with a very good character reference, they're untidy, they're forgetful and they have a history of stealing from people and vandalising other people's property.

You know another person.  They don't have a cat of their own, so looking after a cat isn't their particular area of expertise, but they're trustworthy, they can follow instructions and they have common sense.  They will also solve your problem, they just might not tackle it exactly in the way that you would like to.  But you know that they could be relied upon generally and they would also be perfectly equipped to deal with any other situation that might arise while you were away.

You're now wondering if I've completely lost my mind, but I'd be very, very surprised if anyone would genuinely say they'd pick the first person.  Even if the person claimed to be a reformed character I doubt many people are likely to risk placing their home and their pet in the trust of this person.  The risk of their home being a mess when they get home.  The risk of them forgetting to turn up one day.  The risk of the door being left unlocked, a window having been left open, the cat having escaped, the house having been ransacked.

If you're following along with where I'm going with this you've probably cottoned on to the fact that the first person aligns with the Farages and Trumps of this world.  Someone who has based what they have to offer on one particular topic to attract a certain audience.  Someone who can promise one thing and deliver it to that audience in a manner that they'd be happy with.  Someone who is of dubious character.  Someone to whom you wouldn't entrust your home and the future of your loved ones.

And yeah, admittedly you might look at the second person as any other major politician and think "trustworthy", really?!  That's probably a fair point, but it's all relative.  In relative terms the analogy stands up pretty well to me.  And to blur the boundaries a little, I'm not even sure I'd trust Nigel Farage and Donald Trump to look after my cat.  Don't give the keys of your house to someone who can't be trusted.

2015 in Puns....part 3

So, the final part in the pun review of the year gathers together the best of the rest, loosely grouped into those relating to places, those relating to more geeky things and, well, the rest.  If you've read through all 3 blogs I hope you enjoyed them, it's always fun and challenging coming up with them.  Well, some of them at least.....

Around the World

Why do lots of Americans wear T-shirts? Because they have the right to bare arms.
If anyone dislikes Chinese food I have a simple manoeuvre to avoid it: Duck. Spring. Roll.
If the chief executive of Liverpool went into the manufacturing industry he'd be even richer. He'd be a mill Ian Ayre.
Apparently Greggs are in trouble for dumping their sewage in the London Underground. It was the Bakerloo line if you're interested.
Whenever I go in Glastonbury hippy shops the smell makes me so angry. I'm incensed.
Where's the cooked meat centre of the world? Delhi.
Work conversations this morning: speaking Italian and swans.
Me: what do Italian swans wear when they get cold in winter?
Swan Vestas.
Approaching Luxembourg from the south but want to avoid going through? I'd advise going via Belgium. Pass the Duchy on the left hand side.
I've always wondered, is this friendzone people talk about a place where you go to meet American footballers?
Who was the Greek God of spelling mistakes? Typos.
You know the problem with a French meme? They're all the same.
Come to my boulangerie and get some nice hot cross puns.
Which Transformer transforms into a boat and delivers packages swiftly throughout South America? Amazon Prime.
Sweden are planning on putting a barcode on all their ships so that when they come back home they can scan de navy in.
Currently stopping off at Tebay services. Also what people from Yorkshire call a well known auction site.
Fun fact: Kevlar was actually invented by someone called Kevin from Liverpool.
I wonder if any German people have ever come over here and gone on a toll road and been very very disappointed?
I was trying to remember who the Belgium goalkeeper was in the 80s. But I had to give up, it was a right Pfaff on.
No one likes my Belgian keeper gags? You'd have thought I'd get at least one favourite....just out of Courtoisy.
I paid to take pictures in the basement of a nuclear facility to put on ebay. I had seller fees & cellar fees to take Sellafield selfies.
I went to Spain and tried some of their old traditional North African recipes. They were very Moorish.

Social Media, Maths & Technology

I think my New Year's resolution is going to be 1024 x 768
I thought it was cold, just checked my Twitter and I didn't realise there were a few drafts.....
I've started a new website investigating people who use a vegetable to make candles burn. It's called Wickyleeks.
I'm brilliant at labelling stuff on graphs. Total legend.
I was talking to Smeagol the other day about spreadsheets. "Did you say delete the row Smeagol?". "Noooo....column, column".
I lost my Playstation and my Xbox yesterday. I couldn't console myself.
Colleague saying he gets film releases synced with the calendar on his phone. Asked if Titanic was on there cos that syncs pretty well.
I can't remember what the unit of measurement is that's like miles but metric kms
I just signed up to an online course about spider pirates. Sorry I mean a webinar.
The photocopier just blew up. That's just bang out of order.
What's a practitioner of logic's favourite meal out? A cheeky nand nors.
"You're so much better than the people I usually date, I'm good at differentiating with respect to ex"
What do you call a mathematician into S&M? A denominatrix.
How do dead people access their electronic birthday wishes? They use their cryptocard.
Looking at some duration data with a category of <3 Months and all I'm thinking is why do you like Months that much?
Maths is actually pretty insensitive towards pessimists. It says the root of something negative is imaginary.
I had to take my PC to the shop after my mum was stuck for things to do and took it to pieces. They told me it was the mother bored.
Mr Dodecahedron is the edgiest on twitter.
Anti-social media:
- Create a profile
- Don't follow anyone
- Say nothing
- If anyone speaks to you ignore them
- If they persist block them
"A lot has happened on Facebook since you last logged in". Yeah but a lot has happened in my local supermarket since I last went there.
You know snapchat? How do people find so much to talk about? Like "oh I got the same card as you" over and over......?
I cleared all my temporary internet files and now my biscuit barrel is empty?
"Do you have an email about the order yet?"
"No"
"Have you checked your junk?"
"Well yeah, but what's that got to do with it?" #LifeChezPyf

The Rest

In 5 years are we all going to have perfect vision?
I gained a stone over Christmas. Someone bought me a stone.
Do you think there's ever been a Mr and Mrs Tatious that considered calling their baby Austin?
Saving up for some privet, so I guess I'll need a hedge fund
How can you tell if a giant is genuine or not? Ask him.to write down his catchphrase, if it's "fee fi faux fum" then he's not a real giant.
My Dr used to be a plumber apparently. I went to see him complaining of feeling bloated, after a sharp intake of breath, "Your pumps gone".
Going to see a play tonight, it's three monologues by an orc, a hobbit and a balrog. Tolkien heads.
All my friends are meeting at that long wooden structure stretching out into the sea. I'm not though, I'm not affected by pier pressure.
I'm an expert in parrot Tourettes....should be useful if I ever want a career in Polly tics.
Went out for a jog up the hills and couldn't stay on my feet....never going fell running again.
Woke up this morning to find someone had sewn some headwear onto my coat but only for use when it's dark. I got a nighthood.
I'm never quite sure what the name is for a baby squid......but I have an inkling.
How do you break into a packet of seeds without using your hands? Open sesame.
Thinking of getting a slave to do all my jobs for me.....I'll call it Minian.
Discussion about a man with a prosthetic arm and prosthetic leg and all I'm thinking is did they cost a........WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
I was looking forward to changing my hairstyle but now I'm dreading it.
Skyscrapers are rubbish aren't they? They have so many floors. Probably works better out loud.....
I went out last night, drank a bottle of shampoo, a couple of conditioners and loads of shots of hair dye. I woke up with a combover.
Apparently cars are going to be running on cat urine soon. Someone just needs to perfect a cat-a-litter-c converter.
What happened to the ostrich who converted to Judaism? He was ostracised.
I know a woman who was underpaid for three months then woke up with a wad of cash sticking out of each lobe. She was paid in arrears.
I wasn't expecting to be congratulated after falling to sleep under a cow...but I actually got a pat on the back.
There was going to be a new series about a whole day in the life of a hairdresser but now it's just a one off episode showing the highlights
Where do Transformers go shopping? Optimus Primark.
On a training course at the moment on how to be a cat. Had to start from scratch.
Granularity - when your parents' parents are really really funny.
I know someone who roams around remote locations being generally tedious. He's a wild bore.
I was going to keep a whole lobster for myself but then I decided that would be shellfish.
What does Dr Watson say when he's too warm in bed? No sheet Sherlock.
Which football manager listens to the most rock music? Aitor Kerrangka.
I saw a blind man driving a van earlier. Then he delivered his blinds and carried on with his day.
I really don't like people who've had part of their foot amputated. I'm lack-toes intolerant.
I was watching a bloke hammer metal earlier. It was riveting.
The Secretary of State for Work and Pensions gets very annoyed making flat pack furniture. He has Irritable Dowel Syndrome
Are people who advertise for Greggs great roll models?
Think I'll call one of those "How am I driving?" lines and say "All right I suppose. Bye".
"There's this short sprint race where every 10m you stop and have some of your hair cut off".
"Is that true?"
"No it's balderdash".
I have a gender that I keep secret from everyone else. But I have another one that is even more secret. It's my hiddener gender.
I saw a van with Kestrel Plumbing Services on the side yesterday. That's a pretty niche veterinary discipline that.
I once went out with two women called Stella. It was a Stella a trois.
Somebody said they'd go out with me on my bike for ten quid. I handed my money over and turned up later. I think I was taken for a ride.
I woke up this morning and all my insides had been removed. I was gutted.
I saw two blokes down an alley, one shiftily passing a sandwich, a packet of crisps and a drink to the other for money. It was a meal deal.
If I'm feeling a bit down and isolated I always turn to pasta. When I'm feeling cannelloni that is.
I've come up with an idea for a brand new kind of glasses. I'm working on the specs now.
I want to give someone a decorative pin as a present but I don't know how to brooch it.
I came in this morning to find a colleague covered in thick, soupy liquid all down one side of their face. Apparently someone phoned in sick
Which historical figure was the most agreeable? William the Concurrer.
I've been insulating an aeroplane and now I'm having trouble sleeping. I've got jet lag.
Why does a hippopotamus have such a good memory? Because it studied at the hippocampus.
After leaves fall off trees in autumn, apparently they do grow back. Now that's a re-leaf.
I was asked which I would rather touch, lentils or tomatoes. Lentils definitely, I've got my finger on the pulse.
I love my new allotment. I'm really digging it.
I had a bad dream yesterday about a female horse running around in the dark. Nightmare.

2015 in Puns....part 2

While compiling this look back at a year in puns I thought I couldn't just have a massive long list, I have to come up with some really tenuous links to tie everything together.  So part 1 was all the hashtags and topical stories and today concentrates on entertainment - music and TV/Film.

Music, TV and puns take up a lot of my Twitter account, probably all of it if I'm honest.  But it's all done carefully by neutering a servant of Mordor.  Sorry, I mean it's all carefully orc-castrated.......oh, just read them.

Music

Green Day became so big that at one point they had a backup band on standby in case they ever disappeared up their own bottoms. Bidet.
I bought a hyperactive, colour changing lizard the other day but it didn't really work out. Now I've got a calmer chameleon.
I'm going to start studying how to breathe oxygen properly. The course will be held at the O2 Academy.
Who are the two most hook-based bands of all time? New Order and Joy Division.
Swedish prog-death band teach children while finding entrances to caves - Opeth Sesame
Faith No More attempted to play their biggest hit but they all suddenly forgot how it went. Epic fail.
I had 7 huge creases on my shirt today. I called Synyster Gates up and he came and sorted them out for me. Legend.
If someone sounds a lot like Agnostic Front would people describe them as AF af?
I managed to secure the perfect man to train people how to sing St Elmo's Fire. Parr for the course I suppose.
Is there a Spanish tribute version of Cerys Matthews' band called Catalonia?
Eddie Vedder and Serj Tankian got together for a cup of coffee earlier. How did they take it? Black, one Sugar.
Apparently there's this thing that tests out replacement metal frontmen that are in and out....it's called the Bush Tucker trials.
Little known fact, Black Sabbath's Paranoid was inspired by Ozzy's then girlfriend not assisting him with the mental health charity bag.
What does Jay Z call his missus when she gets tired? Be-yawn-ce.
I fractured a bone in my forearm and after being under the care of an ex-member of Buggles I'm now fine. Physio cured the radius scar.
Yorkshire Turisas tribute band - HOLMFIRTH AND BEYOOOOOND
Apparently it's Michael Jackson's birthday today. My old boss came over with a joke about him. I told him it was Bad and he should Beat It.

Apparently there's going to be a collaboration between Madder Rose and Super Furry Animals. It'll be called Three Billy Cote's Gruff.

I wonder what brand of laptop Adele has?

TV & Film

Colleague: "I watched half of Elf". Me: Is that 5 and a half? General confusion. Just a little German joke there.
Apparently some Icelandic people have destroyed the pub on Eastenders. They're from Reykjavik.
I actually much prefer Belgian soaps to British ones, like Ostenders
What is an ackman and how does it become huge?
Which celebrity has the ability to predict the future? Bruce Foresight.
I bought a Star Wars satnav yesterday in the shape of a droid. I call it R2 detour.
Going to make a film about Neighbourhood Watch people. It will be shown on Netflix.
There's a new film set in a shoe shop.....starring Martin Freeman, Tom Hardy and Bruce Willis.
If my name was Fred and I was an optician I'd call my shop Rod, Cone and Freddy.
Found out today that there is a superhero called Barry Allen. Someone asked if he did Cillit Bang adverts, turns out he's Flash.
If you have a grubby forehead just grow a fringe. Bangs....and the dirt is gone.
I made myself a full size replica Star Trek ship but managed to fall out. My replica crew helped me out though. Hoist by my own Picard.
There's a new series on this weekend trying to find the longest fingernails, Britain's Got Talons.
Apparently there's a new film out about Neighbourhood Watch people in Iceland. It's called Netflix and Chill.
New marketing idea, collaboration between Milky Bar, Game of Thrones and a crisp manufacturer. White Walkers.
Why did the black hole pull in and destroy Luke Skywalker and his ship as he tried to fly past?
Because the force was strong.
Apparently there's a new Airfix kit created by Hillman, you get a few of the same cars to make. It's called Avengers Assemble.
What does a Welshman eating cereal have in common with an American actress? Rhys with a spoon.
There's a new series starting soon where a lot of people congregate in a cove with a tickly throat. It's called The Great British Bay Cough.
There's a new section of a popular department store which sells artwork and Alien figurines etc. It's the Giger counter.
Amazon has just recommended the Complete Bergerac Collection. Probably a neighbour of theirs.
What application does Bugs Bunny use the most on his phone? WhatsApp doc.

2015 in Puns....part 1

So pretty much everyone that knows me on Twitter knows that I post a lot of jokes and puns.  Almost everything I post comes from my own head, it doesn't mean that multiple people haven't already thought of the same thing over whatever period of time, but they're all independently created.

Usually they come from hearing a word said out loud or reading a word, then forming a punchline and working backwards.  I don't know why, it's obviously some kind of illness.  Originating in my puncreas.  There I go again.....

So this blog is part 1 of my favourite things that I've tweeted during 2015.  This one truly does cover the year, being made up of hashtags that I felt an overwhelming compulsion to join in with or just major events that might make less sense out of context.  Enjoy!  Well, not enjoy exactly, you know what I mean.....

# Hashtags #

#FF Robinson Crusoe
#AskRussellCrowe What makes the loudest noise, a raven walking over dry leaves or a jackdaw eating a packet of crisps?
I thought someone had thrown away all my Beanos and Dandys.....but no, I found them #ComicRelief
I killed a bloke, liquidised him, then mixed it with fruit to make a refreshing drink. Think I'll have it today #mcm
#ThingsJesusNeverSaid Ow. Ow. Owwww! Jesus Christ!
#ThingsJesusNeverSaid So I've thought of these things called Creme Eggs right? We need a cunning marketing ploy.....
#ThingsJesusNeverSaid It's actually pronounced "Hay-zoose".
#ThingsJesusNeverSaid Oh my God, wouldn't it be hilarious if people latched onto this and were still talking about it in 10 years?
#ThingsJesusNeverSaid I can't even.....jfc smh kms rn tbh
#ThingsJesusNeverSaid I quite fancy a holiday in Turin. I hear it's shrouded in mystery.
#IOnceDatedSomeoneWho had been in a peat bog for 3000 years
#MyTombstoneIn5Words I'm sure I used to be good at maths?
#IOnceHadABossWho was called Hugo. No I didn't.
#ThankYouEd For all those comments in brackets you insert into magazine articles etc.
A man was hit over the head today with the cardboard centre from a box of tin foil #tubestrike
#TheAshes are something you have to work hard to win. You really have to urn it.
#WeCantBeFriendsIf One of us doesn't like the other one.
#AngerABook Your cover is tacky, your spine is falling apart and your pages are all creased, I bet your mother was a twig.
I'm looking at the trend of #thevoiceau and pronouncing it as in the French for bird.
Who has the dirtiest carpet in tennis? No-vac Djokovic #WimbledonFinal
#GrowingUpMetal I had to be careful when walking near strong magnets.
#GrowingUpWithGlasses because I liked to see what I was drinking.
#DisappointASong You're rubbish.
A man was hit over the head with the inflatable innards of a bike tyre #tubestrike 
#ImNotReallySelfishBut I do tend to Clam up in crowds of people.
#ImNotReallySelfishBut I have watched a documentary about the Krayfish twins.
Apparently Chelsea are withdrawing the use of their player stats. There's now a hole in the Prozone layer #CFC
#MyTypeIn4Words Anything but Comic Sans
#wcw Chelsea Ladies 6 Sheffield Wednesday 0
#YouKnowSummersOverWhen It's Autumn
#TerribleGiftsForA4YearOld A brand new A3 pad of paper. It'll probably get jealous on account of size and being a year younger.
Has anyone figured out where all this happened anyway? My money's on Leicester #piggate
#OneLetterOffSongs s To You by Finch
#OneLetterOffSongs From America by the Proclaimers
#SaveThePlanetIn4Words File. Save As. Click.
#Facebookdown Or a request for Templeton Peck to put on a gig for Phil Anselmo and Co. What next #MurdochBookEyeHateGod ?
#RedneckIn3Words Need suntan lotion
#PhraseThatMakesYourHeartSink "I'm going to cut out your organs, place them in water and weigh them down".
#WorldToiletDay ? Yeah yeah so when's World Sink Day? World Bath Day? World Bidet?

Topical

Apparently the existing members of Blink 182 are continuing, but with only one frontman they've decided to be Wink 182
Are sections of hospitals that use a certain water filter that interesting tonight? What's all this about Brita wards?
I bet Madonna is absolutely furious with the costume department, especially the material girl.
I heard that all West Brom players are fans of Feeder. But it turns out it's Just Ideye.
It seems my opinion of the latest Batman actor changes over time, I think I may have Seasonal Afflecktive Disorder.
I saw a gorilla this morning lay down on his side stretched out at the top of a hill & then propel himself down. Not really, ape-roll fool.
Interesting fact: Mumford and Sons were originally formed by Harrison Ford, his mother and his brothers, a few lineup changes later et voila
Not to labour a point but I'd make a conservative estimate that a liberal number of MPs in waiting will be green with envy while you kip.
So that pastor who said he would set himself on fire isn't now going to do it.....I mean everyone knows you boil pastor right?
Was EL James just plain old James before moving to Spain?
Apparently there's going to be a Bloodstock just for birds. It's called Feather BOA.
There's a lot of clash talk this morning, everyone deciding whether they should stay or they should go I suppose.
Aston Villa have problems with the supply line to their forwards. Despite Jordan saying "I'm free" there's not enough of Ayew Being Served.
Monetary Worth: 95
Racism Rating: 98
Hair Power: 5
....sorry, just playing Top Trumps.
I was talking to a Labour leadership candidate today & he was very abrupt with me. I told him "don't be curt Corbyn". He was all apologies.
Anyone complaining that Metallica has frozen on BBC4 should Let It Go.
If as expected Kurt Corbyn becomes the Big Cheese today, will he Milk It?
But I suppose if Kurt Corbyn doesn't win.....Nevermind......
Kurt Corbyn was wondering what to wear to his first Prime Minister's questions but he was advised "just Come As You Are".
Going to write a pro-smoking song with the line "Light me up when Stoptober ends".
Frantic-tick-tick-tick-tick-tick-tocktober
I can understand the fuss with plastic bags, they're all full of disease. Most don't show any outward symptoms but they're all carriers.
Someone told me I have to keep mentioning the Back to the Future car today or I'll be arrested. "It's da law Ian" they told me.
That one could have been better but I came up with it on the McFly.
All this stuff about the WHO saying bacon and meat can give you cancer....what qualifications does Roger Daltrey have to make these claims?
I wonder how many arguments will be caused by a game release this week....people wondering "what did we have to fall out for?"
You know Fallout 4 has just been released? Surely someone should recommend some kind of relationship counselling, it can't happen a 5th time

Alcohol

If someone has taken the time to write a blog about alcohol then you're probably thinking it's going to be some kind of sermon.  Well I hope it isn't because it isn't intended that way, just my perspective on something that can sometimes needlessly cause friction between people who differ in their lifestyle choices.  Back when I was in my late teens I was probably stronger in my opinions (not that I would have actually voiced them out loud back then) and it served as subject matter on a few of my songs.  But I'm not going to tell anyone how to live their life, it would be pointless anyway, we all make our own choices.

I'm guessing you probably know which side of the fence I sit on, so yeah as I write this I'm 37 years old and in terms of alcohol I've had no more than our family's traditional Christmas and New Year drink of port and lemon (shut up) and the odd curious sip of beer as a kid in all that time.  That obviously means I've never been drunk.  Not even slightly.  And no, that's not meant to paint me as some master of abstinence or whatever, I'm just giving some background.  And to answer the most common questions that would crop up at this point, no I'm not religious, no I've never had a family member with a drink problem and no, I don't have a health condition.  So that's that part out of the way....but if not for any of those reasons, why am I this way?

The most important part surely if you're talking about food or drink is the taste.  I don't like the taste of alcohol, pretty big one for me that, I think.

So I guess you're then thinking the solution is I can mix it with something or just buy alcopops or whatever (are they even a thing any more or am I just sounding old?).  Not for me, if I want to buy something that tastes like coke, for example, then I'll buy coke, seems like a no-brainer?

"But it gets you drunk!!"  Alongside the taste that's another pretty big stumbling block.  I guess I must be a control freak or whatever, but I really really dislike the idea of not being in control of my actions or of having no idea what I did the following morning.  If I'm going to make myself look a bit daft then I'm totally proficient in doing that on my own terms.

"But that's only if you get REALLY drunk, you can still have a few and not be totally wasted?" This one often gets a laugh, but I am half serious....I'm not that thirsty.  I don't sit at home and have 3 or 4 pints of orange juice or whatever on an evening, so why would I do the same with alcohol if I was out?

I'm also not a big fan of eating or drinking as socialising, if I'm going to venture out somewhere I'd rather it was to watch a band or something with an activity, for it to actually have a purpose.  And in terms of pub culture etc. I'm not really one for small talk or chatting, add to that if you put more than a group of about 3 or 4 people together then I'm probably not going to say much anyway.

I remember getting into a debate with a mate at university who was trying to invite me on a night out with a few others, my argument was that I could probably push to going out with them, but I wasn't particularly keen on spending the evening with an increasingly different version of them.  I know EXACTLY what I meant by this and it seems quite obvious to me, but he struggled to understand what I was trying to get across.  Whichever side you're on at that point in time, sober and drunk people don't really mix that well.

I've had conversations with people who react incredulously as if I'm stupid when they find out that I don't drink (including the ex-colleague who asked if he could have my liver when I die, he didn't take kindly to my reply of "assuming I die first".....which was maybe a little harsh).  Then there are the equally ridiculous comments of being boring or not being able to have fun.  Of course sober people can have fun, I have to admit I find that argument a little sad because it implies that people think alcohol is a pre-requisite for fun......it most certainly isn't.  I'm pretty skilled in being an idiot every day and I'm fully aware of what I'm doing.

But this probably comes from people who know someone that does rant and rave about alcohol and talks about people who drink negatively, the more militant faction if you like.  It exists everywhere, whether it's alcohol, meat-eating or whatever, but it doesn't mean every non-drinker is going to tut and roll their eyes at everyone who likes a drink.

I'm totally aware that I'm in the minority here and the majority of people who have read this do like a drink, mostly in moderation and occasionally in excess and it hasn't really done any long-term harm, a few embarrassing stories here, a few terrible hangovers there.  Nothing that I've said here has suggested that is bad or wrong and I hope no one has taken it that way, it's simply a choice, maybe an escape in some cases.  If I want to escape then I'll do it into a great album, a good book, a film or TV programme etc. and if that makes me boring to you then I'll happily be boring.

Drink.  Or don't drink.  Whichever one you adhere to you'll have your reasons for doing so.  But don't look down on the person on the other side.  They'll have their reasons too and they'll be equally as valid.




*If you're thinking I missed out a huge chunk of any debate on this topic by not mentioning drinking to excess, it was deliberately avoided as it could have changed the overall tone, which wasn't my intention for this piece.  Although it goes without saying that it is a massive problem in many different ways that normally shouldn't be overlooked.