Music, TV and puns take up a lot of my Twitter account, probably all of it if I'm honest. But it's all done carefully by neutering a servant of Mordor. Sorry, I mean it's all carefully orc-castrated.......oh, just read them.
Music
Green Day became so big that at one point they had a backup band on standby in case they ever disappeared up their own bottoms. Bidet.I bought a hyperactive, colour changing lizard the other day but it didn't really work out. Now I've got a calmer chameleon.
I'm going to start studying how to breathe oxygen properly. The course will be held at the O2 Academy.
Who are the two most hook-based bands of all time? New Order and Joy Division.
Swedish prog-death band teach children while finding entrances to caves - Opeth Sesame
Faith No More attempted to play their biggest hit but they all suddenly forgot how it went. Epic fail.
I had 7 huge creases on my shirt today. I called Synyster Gates up and he came and sorted them out for me. Legend.
If someone sounds a lot like Agnostic Front would people describe them as AF af?
I managed to secure the perfect man to train people how to sing St Elmo's Fire. Parr for the course I suppose.
Is there a Spanish tribute version of Cerys Matthews' band called Catalonia?
Eddie Vedder and Serj Tankian got together for a cup of coffee earlier. How did they take it? Black, one Sugar.
Apparently there's this thing that tests out replacement metal frontmen that are in and out....it's called the Bush Tucker trials.
Little known fact, Black Sabbath's Paranoid was inspired by Ozzy's then girlfriend not assisting him with the mental health charity bag.
What does Jay Z call his missus when she gets tired? Be-yawn-ce.
I fractured a bone in my forearm and after being under the care of an ex-member of Buggles I'm now fine. Physio cured the radius scar.
Yorkshire Turisas tribute band - HOLMFIRTH AND BEYOOOOOND
Apparently it's Michael Jackson's birthday today. My old boss came over with a joke about him. I told him it was Bad and he should Beat It.
Apparently there's going to be a collaboration between Madder Rose and Super Furry Animals. It'll be called Three Billy Cote's Gruff.
I wonder what brand of laptop Adele has?
TV & Film
Colleague: "I watched half of Elf". Me: Is that 5 and a half? General confusion. Just a little German joke there.Apparently some Icelandic people have destroyed the pub on Eastenders. They're from Reykjavik.
I actually much prefer Belgian soaps to British ones, like Ostenders
What is an ackman and how does it become huge?
Which celebrity has the ability to predict the future? Bruce Foresight.
I bought a Star Wars satnav yesterday in the shape of a droid. I call it R2 detour.
Going to make a film about Neighbourhood Watch people. It will be shown on Netflix.
There's a new film set in a shoe shop.....starring Martin Freeman, Tom Hardy and Bruce Willis.
If my name was Fred and I was an optician I'd call my shop Rod, Cone and Freddy.
Found out today that there is a superhero called Barry Allen. Someone asked if he did Cillit Bang adverts, turns out he's Flash.
If you have a grubby forehead just grow a fringe. Bangs....and the dirt is gone.
I made myself a full size replica Star Trek ship but managed to fall out. My replica crew helped me out though. Hoist by my own Picard.
There's a new series on this weekend trying to find the longest fingernails, Britain's Got Talons.
Apparently there's a new film out about Neighbourhood Watch people in Iceland. It's called Netflix and Chill.
New marketing idea, collaboration between Milky Bar, Game of Thrones and a crisp manufacturer. White Walkers.
Why did the black hole pull in and destroy Luke Skywalker and his ship as he tried to fly past?
Because the force was strong.
Apparently there's a new Airfix kit created by Hillman, you get a few of the same cars to make. It's called Avengers Assemble.
What does a Welshman eating cereal have in common with an American actress? Rhys with a spoon.
There's a new series starting soon where a lot of people congregate in a cove with a tickly throat. It's called The Great British Bay Cough.
There's a new section of a popular department store which sells artwork and Alien figurines etc. It's the Giger counter.
Amazon has just recommended the Complete Bergerac Collection. Probably a neighbour of theirs.
What application does Bugs Bunny use the most on his phone? WhatsApp doc.
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